Vanilla Pudding

(sent to me by Angela P)

Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.  As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.  They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:  “Ireland’s Largest Sperm Bank Robbed Early this Morning”

Menopause Jewelry

(sent to me by Amy R)

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.  We've discovered that
when I'm in a good mood, it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it
leaves a big f’ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond... idiot

Golf

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” 

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”  

The Knob

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.  Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' 
  
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. 
  
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.”

The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.” 
  
She said, “Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.” 

A Turtle in NY

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. 

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Two Guys and a Bar

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” 

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”  

Grandpa

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. 
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.  

Bus Ride

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Elderly Couple

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

 "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently."

 The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked .. "Is that one word or two words?

An Elephant’s Victim Never Forgets

A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass."
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look".

"Fuck me!!" says the doctor.  "What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant."

The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first."